Late 20's, sigh.

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The shit-scare of 28


March 28, 2021 -

So, there’s alot on my mind, thoughts that come smashing in each time I am laying down impatiently waiting for the next episode to run (in 10,9,8..), or after a sigh exhaled post ticking-off a flagged email; I would call them "moments of realization mixed with triggered fears of all dimensions of past present and future"; escaping into the virtual world and digging my hole into one click after the other to hide and get the clock ticking faster.


I do know that I am scared of settling, settling for what is “normalized” because of urgency or lack of choices, I am scared of not having choices and having life drive its wave rationally instead, I am scared of being caged within this society and the too-familiar faces around me, not even a slight urge to know a bit more about each other, just switching up our circles like a kindergarten game of who’s who.


I am scared of me being this, not expanding or stretching the ropes of who I am, only living in fear gradually every single day, with more responsibilities presenting their way, guilt trips pushing me away, or the fact that age or family and and and will become too much of a single focus that I will never even get to live. I am scared that I have not lived yet, I have not loved yet, and I have not felt the freedom of my own accomplishments into my own hands or had my own life-skills save the day and make someone else’s day complete. I am a reliant and I am becoming a turning ball of stress that pushes through her skills in ways that will eat her away at the end of each night until there is nothing left of her anymore.

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