All in good time;

  October 30, 2020 Do you ever feel displaced in wonderings, constant ones that enter your brain fiercely and get lost within. What is your biggest challenge this year? My biggest challenge, hmm, well I would say biting more than I chew; I entered the new job with hopes of taking a solid knowledge and dominance over the aspects of its role. Firstly by getting a clear vision over my clients, understand their portfolio and pipeline; whilst getting a good grip of what offerings I can give to compliment these gaps. Being able to go firm and hard into the market, hitting their offices with an introduction and a closure that is so hard, they would not know what hit them. Communication and negotiation, knowledge based conversations and hopes in finding the right solution as the band aid for each problem they have. Having a good dynamic and a clear set of goals to achieve by the end of each month and eventually quarter. An attainable effortless gain by which hardships would come along,...

10.10.2024 There’s a difference between being immersed in a state of chaos filled with genuine happiness, and being in comfort yet with a nagging voice telling you that something is not quite right or is no longer feeding your soul. There is a feeling of wholesomeness and quiet - like everything is falling back together - which you are eager to get hold of. It all began with a feeling of escapism and the need to break free from emotional turbulences, roller coasters, and guilt trips controlling your every little move and mood. The urge to get rid of this feeling and lifestyle and shed every toxic thought and leftover from the environment you were in,  just like a dog trying to shake off the ticks which were forcefully imposed on him and feel so alien to his body. The feeling screamed for a sense of freedom and detachment, a feeling of excitement and non-judgment that could no longer handle any intensity in terms of emotions, nor any weight to be carried as emotional baggage. ...

Do you think that it is considered plain stupidity? to pour yourself into the people you love? desperately wanting to be held and heard so that you don't become this overflowingly emotional individual who can burst at any sudden moment?  Is it stupid that you want to share your emotions for them to make some kind of sense when they are just too heavy to hold? But do you realise that it's the reason you've been hurt every single damn time, dropped down to tears on your knees, begging yourself to stop pouring and start filling.  Does it make any sense? to not share emotions and only share memories?.. Do you become less of a complete person if you share your feelings and they get filled in the wrong vase of a human? or is it actually brave to talk about hurt and love and lust and life until your smile cracks and your cheeks hurt?  At least maybe the feeling of sharing means caring and not so much as a future self-scaring of potentials and revenge and all the ugly in the worl...

How do you grieve your old selves? Do you create new ones that replace the old ones.. or do you paint over some scars and memories with fresh paint; hiding all that is underneath like a renewed building that has survived a fire?  Or do you just toss these memories in a box and keep them in a faraway corner that gets dustier with time until it’s too unhygienic to reach or unravel?  What happens to memories, pain, laughter, and life incidents?  And who gets to choose their destiny?  And why are the memories that scarred your heart easier to reach than any other happy ones in the side-corners of your brain?  Does pain come in brighter colours than laughter?  Who answers these questions?  And who will help you in burning these boxes to ashes to get the courage to paint all over them again?

I am a firm believer that all human beings have a fire inside of them that can be ignited with the right opportunities, I am also a bigger believer that we create our own opportunities by unapologetically knocking off doors and letting the world know who we are and how we wish for it to be. One of my professors in our master’s program has asked us to develop a case study for a start-up as part of our final exam evaluation; and the goal of this start-up is to be one that could “save the world” or perhaps solve a problem in the world right now ; a problem that older generations have so eagerly built brick-by-brick with ignorance and self-entitled motivation ( I added this part) - I laughed, and told the professor, too much pressure, no? haha I don’t know If I believe that I am here for a greater purpose or if any of this effort is worth the while at the end. You can see people every single day who are ridiculing the world and are deliberately damaging it and are hurting the people ...

I was never the kind of person who paid real attention to the actions of others, or lack of actions per se. I would go through the days with the effortless pace of a tree that is trying to find its path through the soils, hyped up and all excited to go! You come to realize with time, that this growing tree will face many other roots in its way down-under, ones that flow with it perfectly, others that cut it off but with no real intention for harm, and some others, oh well.. you know. This tree grew to better understand boundaries and positions of power - as sad as that sounds, the idea that even if your next-door chillest tree in town wants to cut cross your way, you simply can’t and won’t let it, just because it is your personal space and that is enough reason. You start noticing the toxicity of intentional acts, and what effort truly means, what genuine behaviors are, and the energy levels that you have reserved in you the minute you meet and the second you leave, the ease you feel w...

Some people like to sabotage the world around them, caring less about what collateral damages others will endure,  They move with recklessness and leave every place with a stain for the next one to clean or carry, They are cynical with no sense of accountability or even a line close to it, their alphabetics are sung upon their own rhythm and they expect to get away with it as long as their act is good enough to be believed,  They spit lies and hydrate them with their own hysteria, their intention is unclear but they don’t really give a damn, now do they?

What do you do when this happens? Does it represent reality, or is it merely a crush? Does it fade away or should it be acted upon? Why are there so many emotions around it? An attraction that is reaching its maximum levels; What do you do when this happens? Blockage of feelings and emotions and thoughts and words and attraction; So many actions you’d like to make and so many words you’re craving to say; But what if they spill more than they fill? What if they overload and suffocate? What if they are out, with nowhere to be put?  What if? What if? And what do you do when this happens?

  The shit-scare of 28 March 28, 2021 - So, there’s alot on my mind, thoughts that come smashing in each time I am laying down impatiently waiting for the next episode to run (in 10,9,8..), or after a sigh exhaled post ticking-off a flagged email; I would call them "moments of realization mixed with triggered fears of all dimensions of past present and future"; escaping into the virtual world and digging my hole into one click after the other to hide and get the clock ticking faster. I do know that I am scared of settling, settling for what is “normalized” because of urgency or lack of choices, I am scared of not having choices and having life drive its wave rationally instead, I am scared of being caged within this society and the too-familiar faces around me, not even a slight urge to know a bit more about each other, just switching up our circles like a kindergarten game of who’s who. I am scared of me being this, not expanding or stretching the ropes of who I am, only liv...

  Some days, I feel like I am losing my identity through the politics of life, diving into the daily routines and small talk that takes over the excitingly innovative brain cells, killing them within seconds in a route covered with fog. Some days, I lose my character. My charisma and my goals get scattered within the daily tasks and the heavy load of balancing and juggling life all together. Some days, I go to bed weighing like the daily news, and smelling like the Kardashians’ instagram feed that I forget what it is I am desiring in life within this scattered chaos.

What do I want this year? What do I want to establish actually? It’s boundaries Independency Self celebration Consistency  To make life out of life Feel comfortable  Feel at ease Feel in control Feel whole Feel aligned Feel safe Feel, with love Feel love Feel life Feel And only allow kindness into my life.

Some days, life invites you in. It takes you in with warm arms and makes everything feel safe and easy. Some days, life overwhelms you with ultimate suspense the moment you set your foot to the ground, has your mood vibing to a different frequency than your surroundings, and has you ticked-off with every channel you try to merge with. Other days, life is the same road to the usual destination, it is just a day that passes by with no extra flavor, it may seem dull, but sometimes that is all you need to stay sane. And on other days, life cracks you to your every bone, has you investigating each thought, gesture, or tone until you go to bed with a heavy heart and a heavier head. On the good days, life pumps in you the energy you have been craving to keep flowing with the night, finally in sync with something bigger than you.  

Losing track of yourself, of an identity built around collected phases and phrases,  Digging its track lines into your body from head to toe, even before your time of birth,  with a pre-set expectation of you that you never got the time to grasp,  A continuous track record of achievements that define your existence and level of acceptance,  A pass/no pass sheet in peoples’ minds defining your worth upon their mere perception of reality for their present self and its current values.  Bullshit? Various meanings to tracks that can only truly be defined by your zest for life at the end.

Sometimes, you are too much for the world, And at other times, it craves every single bit of you. Sometimes, you are effortlessly in-lined with one person or a few, And at other times, you are perfectly in-lined with all that is within you. At these times, you are all that you are and you can manage to be,  You have the world to love you, especially if that world is inside of you .

I crave art, conversation and a sense that might spark a range of poetic chaos inside of me, in the past year or two i have been swallowed by the rationale of things, delicately stroking the politics that come out of mere interactions towards ego, money or self absorbency, or maybe not even.. a shed of light on the ability to survive with the world, in the world, and through the world, a deep exhaustion within one’s self, for being locked-in physically leading to thorough pavements inside our brains and vessels through even the narrowest ones. I crave art, conversation, and a sense of comfort, a state of easiness and fluidity with no need for a constant input or judgement or explanation or or or.. I crave art, conversation and delightfulness without the need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. All i want is to wake up light and tuck myself in even lighter. 

Within this year and couple of months of lockdown, my brain made more conversations with itself than any other human kind, it rolled over the carpets and started dusting out all the fears and triggers into one bed to sleep in, it made a rollercoaster out of engraved emotions and took a deep dive into the lake of “life-meaning scenarios”, This year did not make it easy for words to come out, as if it took the warnings of spitting to an extreme sport and banned words along the line.   What i mean to say is, each one of us has faced their angels and demons in this year and has danced around on fire more than they hoped they would, the walks down memory lane burnt our feet but made the roadway in our minds a much clearer one at its very end. What i mean to say is, i came to realize the essential needs of my safety and fulfillment, the triggers to my fears and how to break free from my cages, i came to know that i am not too much or too little, and what i feel is valid and what i dislik...

We’re all suckers for watching movies with happy endings on rough nights to restore our faith in humanity and feel some good in the world, we want to let out built-up emotions into one outburst, we want to let go and let be without being judged, we want things to be a little bit easier on some days, and for some cosmic guidance to walk us through the nights without having to pay attention to the dark thoughts pushing their way through our minds. This year has been an exception, this year has been anything but a cliché, this year has fallen nothing short on touching all of our lives deep in all corners, this year has made every quote relatable and has made a museum of memes that will last a lifetime that no other generation will relate to, remember 2020?  People responsible for writing history books will fade into their own candle-light nights writing endless stories, and history teachers will probably curse the day they chose this job after today. It has not been an easy year, it h...

Do you ever just want to hug someone so bad, that it fuses every muscle in your stomach, and defuses every rational brain cell in your head. Do you ever feel so alive around someone, that the day flows by and you still feel eager to spend just .. one .. extra .. hour. Do you ever feel like your capacity increases around someone, filling the entire world with laughs and silliness. Do you ever feel your eyes widen every time you look at someone, trying to absorb all the love you are yet eager to receive. Do you ever feel like you’ve been surrounded with safety around someone, and can’t wait to share every weight of love and life with them. Do you ever feel like someone has made your emotions touch every color in one setting, painting out rainbows coloring life’s parades. Do you ever feel lost in your emotions and your sanity about someone, just because, they simply exist.

At times, I feel like a broken record, One that never got to sing its music out loud to the world,  Stuck on one track never able to reach the next ones,  Trapped, Until its own idea of liberation was to break itself.

Sometimes, this town sucks your soul. The familiarity of it all stops being so homey as much as a thorn sticking out at each corner of your shoe,  you look for a feeling of astonishment while trying to walk naturally around the blocks, but your life has become more of a destination than a wander for a fresh taste of wonder. The familiar faces everywhere and the predetermined looks, the frustration of loops and loops and loops of the same things, a broken record on repeat. It is when that one day comes,  One little thing intriguing all fury,  Or maybe a threat to humanity that demands the world for a change of heart,  Taking an act of courage,  Screaming for a voice out of frustration, illustrated in long walks and red national scarves, lockdowns and open arms. Reminding you of the integral cores you belong to and intentions of people who raised you,  People by whom the country was built, with their stories engr...